Ink Spots: Stick With Me, Kid

Ink Spots

Nov 07

Stick with me, kid . . .

I wrote my first Inkspots column in 1984. I was, of course, a mere slip of a girl then.

Over the years, I’ve tried to educate my readers (all three of them) in the ways of the world. For instance, I counseled against feeding one’s husband chili made from moldy ground beef, after I tried that with sad results. Sad for him, actually – I didn’t eat any.

I also alerted said readers to the danger of lighting a log in the fireplace before opening the damper. The only one in the family to enjoy that caper was six-year-old Wade, who jumped gleefully up and down, demanding to know if he could call the fire department.

You all learned from me not to leave a casserole on a countertop if you have a resourceful Newfoundland making her home with you – nothing is out of reach for said dog.

Other gems of wisdom learned through personal experience include, but are not limited to:

  • Boiling the nipples from baby bottles on the stove and leaving them to go into another room to finish a crossword puzzle isn’t a very good idea;
  • Pie crusts made from scratch are impossible – don’t try it, just take advantage of what your supermarket has to offer in the way of already-made ones;
  • That goes for a whole raft of other items, like dressing, mashed potatoes, lasagna and potato salad;
  • Don’t make fun of your husband in a column for backing out of the garage without first opening the garage door. That results in said husband writing a column of his own, detailing a few of my embarrassing moments;
  • Don’t short-sheet your high schooler’s bed – she will pay you back in spades. Whatever happened to respecting one’s elders?

When I started today’s column, I had a goal in mind, but I’ve kind of forgotten what it was.

Oh yeah – I remember now. I wanted to enlighten all of you hardy readers who have stuck with me thus far (I fear your numbers are dwindling as I natter on) to a new word. Well, actually, it’s not a new word, just a new meaning to an old word: gaze.

Aha – you’re thinking you know the meaning of that word – to look or stare. You’re right – but only partially.

When a group of raccoons come strolling onto your deck, you can be the first in your neighborhood to announce, “Oh look – there’s a gaze of raccoons!”

Stick with me, kid, and you’ll be ever so smart!

You’re welcome.

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