In the time since I have been back from my California Christmas visit (I had a wonderful time, thank you for asking), a few glitches have attacked me. Well, maybe not attacked, but at least targeted me. I don’t like being targeted by glitches, or any other kind of mishap. I don’t suppose anyone really does, but since this is my column, I get to whine if I want to. And I do.
The glitches, in order of appearance, were crockpot chicken, banana nut bread, water pipe, and dishwasher.
1.) Crockpot chicken:
In a fit of domesticity, I decided to make a crockpot chicken I’ve made numerous times before. This time, I didn’t have the sweet and sour sauce I usually dump into the pot along with the chicken, so I substituted mushroom soup. Big mistake, as Julia Roberts once famously said in “Pretty Woman.” Cream of Mushroom soup has no flavor at all. None. Consequently, the resulting shredded chicken dish had no flavor. None.
Seamus, my dog, liked it.
2.) Banana nut bread:
I had two rapidly ripening bananas which I was tempted to throw out since I’m not a big fan of bananas. However, I grew up with the remonstrance, “Finish your dinner (or breakfast or lunch), there are starving children in China.” I have never quite figured out how my finishing my dinner (or breakfast or lunch) helped those poor starving children, but I had a sad picture in my head of those children, so to this day, I have never been able to throw food out.
I decided to make banana nut bread with the two bananas. However, the recipe called for three bananas, but I figured I could make do. Since math isn’t exactly my long suit, I asked Siri (she’s an ever-cheerful voice that lives in my iPad, for those of you who aren’t into high tech stuff like I am) to reduce all the ingredients by two-thirds. She must be asked that a lot because she answered instantly with the amounts. She’s really smart.
The recipe called for baking soda and nuts. I had neither on hand. So I asked Siri if I could substitute baking powder for baking soda. She said I could. Then I substituted Grape-nuts for real nuts (they have nuts in their name, right?). I think everything would have been okay if I hadn’t gone into another room to read a book after I set the oven timer. I didn’t hear the timer go off, so when I remembered to take the loaf out, it had a lovely black rim around it and crumbled to the touch.
Seamus liked it.
3.) Water pipe:
It burst one evening, spewing hot water all over the basement. Our basement is a dungeon, having been built in 1876. The poor plumber had to inch his way through a crawl space to fix it. I made him promise not to tell, ever, about all the cobwebs he encountered. He promised.
4.) Dishwasher:
It died. Not quietly, but with a loud pop and some smoke. At this writing, I’m hoping it can be resuscitated, but won’t know for a few days. Stay tuned.
It is said (who knows by whom) that bad stuff happens in threes. Well, if that’s true, I’ve already got a head start on the next batch of mishaps. Or, since I’m one over the requisite three bad things, maybe I’ll get a refund in the form of a good thing.
Let’s go with that.
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